Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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