My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
