All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
