I need to stop coming to work sober
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
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There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
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He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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