Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
