New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
