so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
