He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
