Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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