And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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