the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
