I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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