I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
