I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
