end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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