Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
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He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
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I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
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