some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
