Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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