my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
