I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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