I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
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So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
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I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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