hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
