well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
