He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
There r osticjed everywhere
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
