First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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