Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
This beer is not sobering me up at all
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
