Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
