He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
