i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
