omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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