Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
