Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Randomize
