Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
