Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
