so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
