don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
