Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
