His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
