I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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