onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
