We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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