The maid of honor just puked.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
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Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
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It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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