I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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