Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
