True but thats because hes a fetus.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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