Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
