first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
