Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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