Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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