I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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