I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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