I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
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