sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
