I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
