if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
