He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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